So... I think I've decided I'm pretty much leaving. I'm really torn about it, I reallllllllly enjoy being in school, learning about art and everything. I like the group I'm in, too. I know that if I leave and come back I'll be in a different group, and not know ANYONE. And that if I don't come back, it's pretty much impossible for someone on the 'outside' to break into the professional art business.
I know it also makes it more difficult for me to grow as an artist. I won't have teachers challenging me, OR telling me how I can improve.
But... when it comes down to it... I think I need a break... I think I need to do some.. 'soul searching' as they say and really figure out where I want to go in life. I think I need to do some growing as an artist personally.Reconnect with my mediums, that passion I used to have. I feel I've kinda of... lost my identity in the shuffle and flow of art school. I think I need to go find it again....
Like I said, I really enjoy school. On a good day, I'll love what I'm learning, but on a bad day... I'm just... repulsed and pushed away from it...It feels like trying to shove one too many sardines into a tin.. it just feels so... UGH... And I know everyone goes through not enjoying a project, really hating something you have to do for class, but this is not the same... it's a mental repulsion.
This could end up being one of my biggest mistakes, or one of my best decisions.
I still need to figure a lot of stuff out. Like... a job, and where I want to stay. I mean, there are jobs I would love to have, but I don't know how big of a chance I have of getting them. I could move back to my hometown, maybe learn how to drive. I could contact my old boss, from my first job, and see if there is work available through him. Again, I don't know the chances of that, with the recession and all... I could also travel. I would love to do that! Go see the east coast, and maybe work out there for a bit.
There's always that chance I'll end up staying for the next semester as well. I don't know... if I have the strength to push myself away from something I've told myself I want for so long. I might just end up getting 'cold feet'.
I still have time to think about it... technically I have until after Christmas break, which is plenty of time to think about it, I guess, haha.
I feel... good about this though. I feel like... a weight has been lifted and I can breathe deep again. I mean...I'm still having a lot of trouble with... I guess the closest way to describe it is depression. And I haven't told any of my teachers, 'cause it just seems like... such a lame excuse, even though I know it's a valid reason. It's such an on/off thing. Like being around people is fine, even with the anxiety.... it's the coming home and thinking 'now what?' and having no idea what to do with yourself, having no interest in doing anything..
I think.. I feel scared, and I know I should... but I feel excited. It's going to be a change, for sure, if I go through with it. I'm still going to look into other schools, maybe other programs here.
I think my mom thinks I'm staying until the end of the year... but.... if I can, as soon as the semester ends, and as soon as Christmas break is all done with, I'm going to take the advice someone gave me, and run.